Tuesday, October 9, 2012

October 15th

October 15th is national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. In honer of awareness I figured I would make this post as it seemed to be very fitting for our life right now.
Losing a child hurts. Some events are more tragic than others, but that doesn't change the fact that a loss is a loss. It doesn't matter what the facts say it is hard not to feel responsible, it is my body, my created habitat. I know every story varies, and many women have their own. This is one of my 3.
 It is sad that because of technology we are able to find out we are pregnant so early and what would normally be such a beautiful time in ones life, becomes an emotional roller coaster. We simply are able to find out we are pregnant way to early these days. Before technology women wouldn't find out they were pregnant until they are a couple months or more. One might say, "don't take a test". Ya right. If they had a test you could take the day after you conceive I would surely buy it. And my guess is most of you would too. It becomes an obsession.  The problem is that about 50 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and 10 to 20 percent of KNOWN pregnancies end in miscarriage, and more than 80 percent of these losses happen before 12 weeks..  if it weren't for those early pregnancy tests we would never know of the loss. We would most likely chalk it up to a bad period.
Had I not started taking tests I would have just though I was 2 weeks late for my period. However I am human and as soon as I start asking myself  "Wait, am I peeing more than usual? Did my left boob just hurt? Oh I'm cramping...could my uterus be growing!?" Seriously. I start the test taking process.
"Honey can you see this line? If you squint with one eye and hold the other open you might see it! Don't blink! It might disappear!" " Is that a positive? Or is it an evaporation line?"
 Ahh google, the place that diagnosed me with cervical cancer when I researched "bleeding while pregnant"  and "low HCG" levels.

My Husband and I have gone back and forth on whether or not we should have another child. We pondered, prayed, and ultimately decided we would leave it in the Lords hands. What is meant to be will be. Let the games begin.
 I still find it fascinating that people can accidentally get pregnant. Obviously it is possible, it happens all the time. (Well, with us not meaning to. Because with God, there are no mistakes, but you know what I mean.) There is so much that comes into play with conceiving a child. All your ducks need to be in a row and the stars need to align..and all that jazz. It is crazy to think that on one side of the world there is a one night stand while on the other there is a woman taking ovulation tests, taking her temperature, charting symptoms, standing on her head, and everything else she can possibly to to get that positive result.
While at Disneyland I was having the best birthday ever at the happiest place on Earth and silently daydreaming about walking over to the gas station to get a pregnancy test while on our vacay. I was supposed to start the 23rd and it was now 2 days past. TWO DAYS!! WOO HOO! We will pretend that I didn't take 3 tests before we left and before actually being late. (Like I said, if there was an earlier test, I would TOTALLY take it.) I kept waiting for all those "signs" we look for and and they never came. I just told myself that this pregnancy was different because maybe my little girl was finally coming and maybe thats why I haven't had tenderness, or nausea, AND I was craving pickles after all. That never happened with my boys.
I took a test 7 days after my missed period. An EPT brand. Negative. What? I am not usually this late and I am still sure my little girl is coming. Two days later I took a dollar store test. A FAINT line. The test said not to look after 5 minutes but 5 minutes is about when it appeared. Are you a positive line or an evap. line?
*QUE GOOGLE* Evaporation Lines
I took another test the next day. Same result. So I called my Dr. and they said my first mistake was taking a dollar store test. I laughed out loud a little because those babies have confirmed every pregnancy I've had to date. Whatever. Anyway, they said I could come in and have them draw my blood to get a HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin or pregnancy hormone level) quant test to tell me my levels (if I had any) and also how far long I was. I went and the results were 19. They informed me that they were low and I was about 4 weeks along and that I probably ovulated later than average. BUT, I WAS pregnant! WOO HOO! I called my Husband and told him and he and his engineering self told me, "Okay, now remember statistics show that every other one works out for us so lets try not to get our hopes up too high."Uhh... man I am so thankfull for your smarts but really?!! ha ha Got to love him! That night he gave me a beautiful blessing for comfort. So that puts my due date around June 5th. Perfect! She will look so adorable in her little infant swimsuits and that is past RSV season.
The night of the 6th I started to spot. Let the dark clouds roll in. They still had a silver lining though. People still spot or even have full periods while pregnant right? I never bled with any of mine, but every pregnancy is different right? The next day I spotted again.. on and off all day. The morning of the 7th I think I knew. But my heart wouldn't let it be so. I woke up with horrid cramping. I tend to have bad cramping with periods anyway, but this was way worse. I was going into labor, I knew it. But my heart still didn't. I was checking everything that came out for a baby. Examining each clot/tissue.
*WARNING TMI* Oops. I guess I should have stated that earlier. Its all about Honesty here my friends.
I swore i had not seen my baby yet. Hope. The cramping worsened so I got in the bath. It was too hot and I thought I was going to throw up. NAUSEOUS! I hadn't felt it yet. Could everything still be ok? Nausea is a good sign right? I decided to jump in the shower. The pain was shooting up my back and I had to drop to me knees. I was going to pass out. Fear immediately took over because I was thinking about my two boys. Hudson was screaming in his crib because I couldn't watch him and I needed him some place safe and Kamden was downstairs watching TV. What if I pass out here in the shower? What would happen with my boys? Would I wake up when the water went cold? Would Kamden find me? Would he know to call 911?
I sat there and hugged my knees. Holding my breath and wishing that if i sat long enough that the pain would stop and if  I didn't let anything else come out that it all would magically repair.
The pain finally eased and I called the DR. They told me that bleeding can be normal but if I was miscarrying there was nothing they could do. "I know" I said.  They told me to come in and have another HCG quant test done and if they were raising then we would go from there and if they lowered, well, then I would know what "that" meant too.
This whole time I thought is was odd that I never had the desire to tell my family or anyone that I was pregnant. Some are probably finding out through this. Normally I am bursting at the seams.
I got myself together and took K to school. I called my Dad and asked him to ride with me and stay in the car with H while I got some blood drawn. I still hadn't cried.
On the way my dad unknowingly asked "Why are you going all the way to this office to get your blood drawn? You know you can go to any IHC clinic to get blood work right?"  Silence. "You didn't know that? ha ha." Silence. "What? Are you pregnant or something?" he said.  I lost it. Right there in the car in front of my Dad. Poor guy. He had no idea what was coming when he agreed to this.
They drew more labs. The woman's tune changed dramatically when she read my orders as to why I was having it drawn. I hate that. I hate that sympathetic look. But I guess it is a natural reaction and I would rather that then cold and callused.
She put the most adhesive lined tape she could find (okay that maaay be an exaggeration) and sent me on my way. It would take a day for results.
I laid on the couch as much as I could the rest of the day to continue to do everything in my power to help her environment. I felt pretty numb emotionally at this point.
The following morning I called promptly at 9am to hear my results.
"Your levels are 4" she says. Four. Okay.
My levels were 19 and now 4. Reality finally booted me in the rear. She didn't make it. Obviously I didn't know the baby's sex yet. But the heart wants what it wants and that is the image I had dreamed up until I could know for sure.
My heart is hurt. I'm not angry. But I am sad. My friend asked me if I saw the baby come out. Maybe. Maybe not. I was holding on to every ounce of hope that I wasn't losing it. I probably did examine it in my hand. Looking at something was wasn't quite perfected enough to continue its path. I'm glad I was blinded at the time. I'm sure it made it easier.
 I know my Heavenly Father has a plan and that not everything is on mine or my Husband's time. But there is a spirit to factor in the matter and for whatever reason the timing wasn't right. Maybe it never will be. Will we try again? I don't know. Right now my emotions are so high that I don't want to go through something of this kind again. It certainly wears on you. I feel confused. Not knowing what happened sucks. I want to march over through the vail and ask "What's the hold up?"
If nothing else. I have 2 beautiful healthy boys. I may never have my own little girl and that is ok. I'm sure my boys would look cute in bows ;). Everyone tells me I need a little girl. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But one thing for sure is whether or not I have one is already mapped out. I am so thankful for my Heavenly Father and my answered prayers of comfort. As much as I love instant gratification, everything happens for a reason. It is not up to me. I have to be okay with that and I will be. Just not today. Today I am allowed to mourn and be sad. But not for too long. I have two funny boys that wont let me. Today I ditch the water and have a coke.

My heart goes out to all those who have experienced any type of child loss. Some of you have dealt with way more than I have and you are amazing. It was nice for me to wright out my feelings. I already feel better. Thank you for reading.

*If you want to read about my Molar Pregnancy (loss number 2) you can do so HERE.*


  1. I am so sorry you lost your little one. I don't know if you heard any of the conference sessions, but there was a talk (and now of course I can't remember who gave it...), but it was beautiful and quoted Joseph Smith as saying there are some who don't need to go through the trials here. It was beautiful. Sorry I don't remember the exact quote either, but it's wonderful to know that Heavenly Father has us go through things for a reason. Good luck with all!

  2. As hard as this is for you, thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel. Keep the faith, it's trite but... not simple at all.

  3. Yes conference had the perfect talk about loosing children Shayne M. Bowen. I never ever post my story but I did have a stillborn baby whom i had to deliver , hold, and then burry and 2 "known" miscarriages. After reading your story I'm pretty sure I had a third one right before my last baby because it was a similar situation. Anyway even if someone has experienced loosing a child no one still knows how you feel because we all grieve differently. I'm so sorry for your loss and it's hard to swallow but it is true, I believe, that there is a plan and a time line and a test. We are mortal and it's discouraging and heartbreaking but I KNOW I will get to be with my child again, how lucky! People always said to me"give it time, you'll get over it!" in their defense they really had no clue and were trying to be comforting. My grandma gave me the best advise and it's been one that I've passed down, "you'll neve get over it. You won't ever forget. You will just learn how to live with it in your daily life!" how true. I'll never ever forget my sweet baby and like Shayne Bowen said,"I will never have a fullness of joy until I am reunited with my loved one." but how wonderful a gift is the atonement, because of it we can be reunited. I'm grateful for eternal families!
    also learned my lesson with gender. As long as they are living and healthy I'm happy. A lot of people tell me I need "my boy" since we have 3 girls (living). I just smile and nod. They have no clue... I do have a son. You're brave for being so open but im sure it's very healing. A book I gave 2 peeps in our ward (I'm sure you know who) is called "Gone too Soon" by Sherri Devashayree
    It got me through many dark hours and gave me lots of comfort and peace.
    I hope you find that soon and know that your heavenly Father does love you and knows your pain. My door is always open!

  4. I am sooooo sorry for your losess. Anonymous I truely feel your pain and I am so sorry for your losses and experiences as well. I have had 2 miscarriages and on Sept 9. 2012 I delivered my son at 23.5 weeks(my 3rd pregnancy) only to have him pass away hours later from complications. The pain is unbarable but we will all get through this... one moment at a time.

    I still think of him daily and sometimes cry but I am stronger from my experience.