Friday, October 12, 2012

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts! You all are amazing! What a beautiful thing for us to come together through our struggles.
It was brought to my attention that my link at the bottom of my last post wasn't working. :/ Sorry about that! I decided I would just copy and paste so you don't have to go anywhere but here.

I am not writing for sympathy, but simply because it feels good to let it out and keep record of such an amazing/amazingly hard trial. 
September 25Th (the day before my Birthday) I found out I was pregnant. We were thrilled! Me and my big fat mouth could hardly contain this new big secret. So much so that I told my whole family the next day. Stupid..I know I know. But I was thinking " How cute would that be to open up a present from the baby and that be how I told everyone!?" Perfect timing I thought. Plus both of my sister-in-laws were pregnant at the time and I thought it would be fun to enjoy it with them for at least a few weeks. I had called the Doctor and scheduled and appointment and they told me to come it even though I would only be 6 weeks. Weird? Whatever, they know what's best right? So I am feeling great! No sickness..which is a total 180 from Kamden, and to be honest it made me nervous.
My first appointment rolls around and I go in to see Karen McBride. I sit on the table (alone because Kyle couldn't leave work...that's ok. I've done this before and he's seen it before. No Biggie) Karen comes and and as she's prepping the "Texas Tampon" I say to her, " I'm just worried that your look and there won't be any baby". (Insert awkward little laugh)Can you guess what happened? She looks and there is a yoke....but no baby. My heart sunk...lower than I possibly thought it could. Using all my strength to hold it together I asked, "so what now?" She told me that sack didn't look healthy and that I could expect a miscarriage probably that weekend. If not, then I should come back in for a D&C. BUT...don't give up hope (hope...that's all the word I needed) because stranger things have happened and I just might have come in too early for the embryo to show up yet. I was actually only FIVE weeks when I went in. I call Kyle....I go home, got to my room, shut the door, cry, and I don't move until Kyle comes home to make me. (Kamden was at my parents)
So big deal right? Almost every woman has a miscarriage or an unhealthy pregnancy. 50% don't even know it. So why was I devastated? I tried to tell myself that...the tears just kept coming. I asked Kyle to give me a blessing. I am so thankful to have the priesthood in our home. In the blessing there really was no answer either way. Just a comforting blanket for my mind and and an odd piece of information that was, " We are so blessed to live in this day and age and to have the medical technology to help us." Uh ok? So is the baby going to be ok with the help of modern medicine? I didn't get it and I didn't give it another thought.
I made it through the weekend. Phew.
The next week comes too slowly and I got to thinking. "Why are they not checking my hormone levels? I would think that would be a key bit of information to know what is happening with this baby. I call the Doctor. They say "Sure! Come on in." With more confidence after have making it through the weekend I go in to have my blood drawn. I'm talking with the nurse and she says "Didn't I just barely draw your blood?" Yes, I said." I'm in here to check my levels and compare them to the last draw." "Ok, let me check. Hmmmm.... I don't see them? We should have the results by now. I'm trying to rack my brain to figure what happened. OH YA.....You came in last Thursday right? (me-yes) And Karen had a delivery right? (yes) Now I remember. She told me to go ahead and discard you blood work because it wasn't worth sending in.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? What do you mean MY BABY wasn't worth it? Are you kidding me? What type of %$&^%$&#&$stupid#&$%@&%ignorant$#*^%$(&%^$!? 
Just in case you were wondering what was going on in my head.
I left. On my way home I called Circle Of Life and changed my Doctor to Dave Bier. 
I called the nurse the next day to see what my levels were.
 "Hi this is Sheena LaRose. Can you tell me my levels from yesterday please?" "Sure! 1,700. What are we doing this for? You're levels look great!" she said. I explained what had happened and she put me on hold to talk to Dr. Bier. When she came back she told me to make an appointment for tomorrow as soon as possible because something didn't sound right.
So I did.
 This time Kyle came with me because I didn't think my mental state would be able to withstand another blow by myself. I am shaking. He comes in and started the ultrasound. Scared to death to look at the screen, I do. There is my baby :) yoke, sack, and embryo. He looks for the heartbeat. There it is. Slow...but none the is THERE! He said everything looks fine! I looked at Kyle with tears in my eyes and nodded my head. There was our "not worth it baby". I took everything in me not to march over to Karen and show her the pictures and ask "Was this really not worth your time!?" 
That week I got sick. Sicker than I was with Kamden. I couldn't keep anything down. I couldn't get off the couch. But all in all...I WAS sick. That is a great thing right?
 The doctor had told us to come back in in 2 weeks to make sure everything was still on track because he knew we had been worried since it had gotten off to such a rough start. 
Two weeks pass. I'm now 9 weeks and sicker than I have ever been. I go to my appointment. The doctor whips out his trusty sidekick, The Texas Tampon and has a look. Baby-check-yoke-check-heartbeat??/- slowER. Hmmm. Then he proceeded to tell me that the baby should be larger by now and we should have seen some limb growth. He is concerned. I'm not giving up, don't you give up he says, stranger things have happened. Come back in a week and we'll see see if it makes good progress.
I digress.
What do I prepare myself for? A loss? A high risk pregnancy? I felt like my body/mind were in a sick game of tug-o-war. I didn't know how to feel. Hopeful? Angry? Sad? Mourn? So I became numb. Numb to either the outcome.
The next week was weird. Kamden was more attentive than ever. On multiple occasions he would come up to Kyle or myself and give us a big hug and say" I'm sorry momma/daddy". Us-"It's ok! ha ha. You didn't do anything honey." Later this would all make sense.
I was STILL sick. So I had that going for me. It was time to head to my next appointment not having a clue what was to come. I was alone this time. Kyle had an important work meeting and I assured him I could handle it. I go it..say hi to all the cute nurses. We were on first name basis by now. I get undressed, I knew the drill. Screen comes up, I look. I knew. No heartbeat.
Dr. Bier says. "I'm sorry. I just don't see a heartbeat............................................................."

I feel him. I feel my heavenly father wrap his arms around me. I feel warm, assured. I feel relieved? I was not alone. He was there, and I knew it. I did not cry. I held my head high. Thanking my merciful Father in Heaven for ending this earlier rather than later. Before it had a gender, a name. I was lucky. I was going to be ok. Kamdens remarks all of a sudden became to clear to me. My pure little boy who is so close to the Vail knew of our loss before we did. He was comforting his mommy and daddy.
Dr. Bier then explained to me I would need to undergo a D&C. Otherwise it could stay inside me for upward of even a month and I would continue to feel sick. I agreed. It was scheduled. 
The D&C was a quick process. Not as scary as I thought and I was out for the procedure. Immediately after all sickness and discomfort was gone.
I close my eyes, "Thank You".
The doctor then assured me he would examine the embryo to see if anything was more wrong with it and if I would need to take any precautions the next time we tried to conceive.
A week or so goes by and I get the call. "Sheena the doctor would like you to come in for an appointment now." Ok. I'm sure it is standard for all to have a check up after a D&C to make sure everything is gone.
I go in ready to go through all the steps we as woman do in a gynecological visit. The nurse takes me me back and tells me to have a seat and the Dr. will be in in a moment. Huh? No gown? No getting undressed? Doesn't he need to check me? What the?...
Dr Bier: Hey Sheena, I have a student here today. Do you mind if he comes in with me? 
Me: Sure?
So they come in and he proceeds to inform me: 
The reason I called you to come in is because I would rather tell you this in person than over the phone.
(huh? Isn't that normally a bad thing? What is going on here?) 
After taking a look at your embryo I was surprised to find that you had something that is called a MOLAR PREGNANCY.
A molar pregnancy is where two sperm enter the egg and for a super baby.
(HUH?)Meaning a normal human has 23 pairs (46) chromosomes and your baby had 69. (what the?)
It creates triple the amount. This is why you were so sick and your levels were so high. It causes a woman's hormones to sky rocket.(huh...)
Typically a woman's body will recognize this and abort it immediately. You actually had a PARTIAL MOLAR PREGNANCY, which is not as common, as yours did grow an embryo and a heartbeat. 
(Of course I did)
He then says to me (word for word)
"THANK GOODNESS FOR OUR MEDICAL TECHNOLOGY THESE DAYS because this could have been a lot worse for you."
(light bulb..DING! I should never underestimate the power of revelation)
Molar pregnancies can be very dangerous for a woman because they continue to grow and grow. Under a microscope they look like masses of grapes. Without our technology it could have continued to grow and grow ultimately resulting in a potentially fatal incident. Molar pregnancies happen about 1 in every 1,200. Now you will need to come in once a week for as long as it takes to get your levels back to a zero. Last time we checked them they were about 7,000. After that, once a month to make sure everything is still fine. Absolutely NO trying to conceive until I give you the go ahead.
( :( ) 
This is very important because it is possible that if there is any piece of it left in you it could regrow into another molar pregnancy or potentially turn into tumors and become cancerous.
(again with the "what the?") 
My levels are now a 3.

Never in my life had I heard of such a thing. I was happy to hear it wasn't anything I could have prevented but also terrified to hear I am more susceptible for happening again. Overall this experience had been a HUGE testimony builder. I see how much I am loved and how AMAZINGLY thin the line is between our young children and Heavenly Father. Also the power of revelation through priesthood. How amazing that My husband was able to translate word for word what I would soon hear from my doctor? God is merciful and loving and I will never forget that and let it go without a humble heart. I appreciate my son more. He is all the children I'll ever need should we not get the chance to have another in this life. He IS a gift..not to be forgotten. ( Not that he was "forgotten". I just took advantage of how precious and hard to come by they are. Expecting that we would easily have more) I love my family. No matter the size. Sure, we would love to have another. But if we don't, I will be ok. WE will be ok. Heavenly Father has a plan. I trust him. He was and always will be there for me. For us.


  1. Wow! I know I overuse that word but that was incredible. Thank you for sharing such a personal time with us. Your testimony is a rock. Thank you.

  2. Wow. My heart jumped when you quoted the doctor. It amazes me how we try to decipher the wording sometimes used in a blessing, and then when least expected'smack' we understand exactly what it meant. Incredible story.

  3. I'm back to leave another comment :)
    I wanted to let you know I've nominated you for a Liebster award, come check it out!

  4. I stumbled upon this entry tonight and I know it wasn't an accident. My first pregnancy was also a molar pregnancy. I went through exactly the same experience and I have never heard of anyone else who has until now. It took me a long time to recover from the loss and I felt so alone in my grieving. I'm so sorry this happened to you too. Thank you for being brave enough to share this. God bless...

  5. Some how I came across your blog. Thank you for sharing! We have one child and have been struggling to have a second, so it's nice to know I'm not alone. And I just wanted to add that my mom had a molar pregnancy and then a miscarriage after that but eventually had 4 more children. Every case is different, but it's always good to hear about other people who went through something similar and to hear they had a happy outcome. : )